Another Beginning!

Basics Only because it is so depressing!

173- - - - - -Unacceptable

168- - - - - -New Goals can start.

161- - - - - -Beanie

153- - - - - -Tights

148- - - - - -Make-Up

143- - - - - -Something VOLCOM

138- - - - - -VS Panties

133- - - - - -Anything

128- - - - - -New Swimsuit!

Fat

Fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat

I wish

I could tell you I was at or near my goal weight, I wish I could tell you I have been working on this really hard. But, truthfully I have sucked! I have been weak and out of control and unfortunately this results in a weight of 160! I hate myself right now.

Oh yeah

Another day in paradise, no way. I am slowly but surely creeping up like I always do! I am up from 135 to 161, as of this morning! Yes, I am mad at myself and hate myself but, I am more fueled today than usual! I have to right this wrong! I have to fight this battle, so I can win this war! I have to be the strong, kick-ass person that I know I am!!! I will do this again!!!

I am

a truly disgusting individual. I was 160 yesterday, I am not even sure what I am at 4:00 am right now. I am bloated, fat and feel like there is no hope. I know there is, I know my body will lose this weight if I just quit abusing it! For some reason I am out of control with eating and drinking. I hate myself right now. Maybe this self-loathing can fuel my desires. I have not figured out how yet.

Disturbing

I am 157 today, down from 160... so sad.

Down, down

to 148 this morning. Not quite the jump in weight-loss I was hoping for but, it is still in the right direction. I am going to keep chugging along... 20 more lbs, I can do it!

Well, I always

Feel really happy when I finally do get out of the 150's even if it is 149. This is usually the point where I jinx & sabotage myself. Not this time, I am rearing to go and more determined than ever.

THIS USED TO BE ME AT 135

GOING TO USE THIS AS MY BEFORE PIC

Myself Revealed, Me Today 157 lbs

Have to

keep doing my low carb routine! I went completely off this weekend & the scale shows a 7 lb gain! 7 lbs, can you believe that? I am sure much of it is water weight & I am close to my period but, dang still not what you want to see on the scale. I am still determined to stick to my goals besides becoming self-defeating. "You may have to fight a battle more than once before you win it" I keep this in my head to remind myself to "NEVER GIVE UP"

Been

sucking this weekend! Flat out, I am sick of dieting right now. Not sure how to fix or make it better. I also do not want to gain weight back, what do I do?

I was soooo confused

yesterday, I want so much to be skinny! So, so very much & I have been working on it all week! Then yesterday I totally binge after a great morning of eating good. Then I decided to have a drink. Then that made me really hungry (as I am close to my period) Then I started baking my kiddo some cookies and I was deciding in my head that this is what I should be, not worrying about my weight & baking my kid cookies & making dinner that we eat at the table every night. I can't do it all!!! So I ate and drank and ate and drank some more. Ended up eating pizza for dinner & I felt horrible and wanted to puke! Today it shows I have gained 4 lbs, ugh!!! I am such and idiot loser! But, I am not stopping nor giving up. I am going to get right back on, stick with what I know best(low-carb) and keep fighting the good fight. Of course that was after I ate 2 cookies & some grapes. But, it is morning... all is not lost. I will eat light the rest of the day!

I love skinny girls in jeans/jean shorts (my fav's)

I did

eat really good today. I have to say, not as good as the last two days but, that was on purpose. Today, I ate 1100 cal's and 16 carbs. That was to intentionally bump up my metabo so when I do go low the next few days my body will not feel like it is starving & I have to change things up for my own personal sanity. I almost just ate a minute ago & it is 8:06 pm, well I do not eat after 6:30. But, I did not do it! I had some green tea instead. I looked ate my fave thinspo http://thinspiration-pictures.blogspot.com and moved on. I hope I can do this everyday because I know I am pms-ing right now. But, the night is not done, but I think I am over my weak point. I actually took out my low-carb lasagna (which is normally a good thing in my open hours of eating) had the lid off & the fork in my hand and I said NO! I am so proud right now. I mean, it's just food and it will be there tomorrow, right?

Before & After

These are all from www.thinspiration-pictures.blogspot.com It is an amazing blog! My new drug of choice!

Oh hey

I kinda forgot to update you on me. I ate amazing Monday, lost 5 lbs overnight (water weight) Ate really great yesterday & today weighed 149. At least I am out of the 150's! I have motivated myself again and am getting my obsession back, which is good because I can't do it without it. My new goal is 125 lbs. I am going to do this & me amazing! I will post some pics of me along the way. Right now, before & after pics of other girls who have done it are really keeping me going! I was so hungry last night, but did not give in, just drank water.

I suck

I suck, I am shit! I hate myself! 157 this morning! I have not been eating well, not been exercising & been drinking too much! I cannot let this happen! Help!!!

Why, oh why

do I have to be a complete failure? 158 this morning, ick, ick, ick! On top of that I am very late with my period (I call it on the dot) wouldn't that be great to get pregnant at this weight & then have to get really huge! I am 99% sure that I am not but, these thoughts cross my mind. On top of all of this, I feel very alone even with my husband and it is wreaking havoc on my esteem & I feel depressed which in turn does not help my eating plan. I am hating life right now!

Sorry

to disappoint everyone including myself. I am a disgusting fat-ass and was 155 this morning & today I have eaten horrible!!! I hate it, myself & my life! The only thing keeping me going is my gorgeous 3 yr old son! Help, I am so lonely & depressed that I can't seem to function well right now.

It's amazing how

I can go from 156 to 149 in 2 days!!! I am very excited and motivated by it!!! I have a special ocassion on Sunday evening & I want to be as small as I can by then. Maybe 145 or below? We will see!!!

Ate

pretty darn good today. 5 carbs and right about at 1000 cal's. I was down to 152 this morning, that was a plus but, I have a long ways to go!

So

I would love to tell you that I have just been kicking ass on my eating plan and have lost "x" about of lbs but, I can't. I have been eating for shit and am feeling the effects. I am 156 this morning, I have a headache, I am bloated & do not feel very well. Ugh, why am I such a loser right now? Last year around this time, I was obsessed & nothing was stopping me! I have got to find my motivation again. Fitting in to everything & hearing "you are so skinny" gets old for me. I need something motivating that is not from an outside source, I think.

Have

eaten pretty good the last couple of days but the few days before that, I did not. I was at 154 this morning (icky) I have had 777 cal's today and 12.5 carbs.

Eaten

really great today (by my standards) 902 cal's & 7 carbs.

Today

I am down to 148, yes!!! I am happy about this, pretty happy. Only 20-23 more lbs to go! But, I have lost 40 lbs all together!

Another

great day of eating!

Total Calories 854

Carbohydrates 15.4 g

Protein 16.4 g

More Jeans thinspo

What a Beauty

Sooo Tiny, Love Jeans thinspo

I need some thinspo,

Amazing!!!

Went to bed weighing 155 and woke up 150! I am very excited about that because I was thinking 153, maybe 152 but, 150? I wish losing weight was always as easy as 5lbs at a time but, it has given me the boost that I need. I have a convention to go to the first weekend in June and I have decided on a goal of 125-128 by June 3rd. I think that is a realistic goal. That is 66 days to lose 23-25 lbs. That is 9 weeks & 2.5 lbs per week! I can totally do this! I am very excited right now!!! This is going to be a great morning!

Tonight

I am feeling very proud of myself! I ate wonderfully today & have not given in, even though I had a self-defeating attitude this morning. I overcame it & ate great anyways. That is a big, big deal for me. I am back on here and that is a huge motivator too! I got my new Victoria's Secret Catalog today and that reaffirmed my desire for a great, skinny body! Yay VS, love it!

FOOD FOR TODAY

THINK I DID PRETTY GREAT, GOING FROM PIGGING OUT TO...

Day's Total
Cal Grams Grade
753 845 B-

Breakfast
30 734

Coffee (Filter)

7 712 -

Sugar Free French Vanilla - Liquid

23 23 -

Lunch
230 46

Egg, Whole - Cooked, Fried

90 46 B-

Cheese Dog

140 -

Snack
250 0

Cheese Dog

140 0 -

Pepper Cheese Curd

110 -

Other


Whiskey - 40% Volume

111 50 -

Yerba Mate 1 Tea Bag

5 -

Yerba Mate 1 Tea Bag

3 0 -

Sugar Free French Vanilla - Liquid

15 15 -

Protein Powder 1 scoop

110 -

Have Not

written in a month and a half? It does not seem like it has been that long at all! I am sorry I have not been on. I am not sure what I have been doing truthfully. Except obsessing & still eating like crap! I am 155 today, that is 20 lbs gained! This is not okay! I need someone to tell me it's not okay!!! Everyone around me says things like "it's okay, you look good, I can't tell, maybe you are not meant to be 135" What, are you kidding me? Not only am I meant to be 135, I am meant to be 125 or whatever weight makes me happy. I am not happy in the 150's, so how can I be meant to be unhappy? So, with that aside... I am not, I am meant to be happy & skinny... I know I am! So, as of today I make the decision to get back on my low-carb plan (because it is the only one I can handle) and I am going to be strict again!

Quick Note

before I drag myself to bed. Have eaten amazingly for the past 3 days, although today was even better than the other two. 839 cal's & 2 carbs. I am 148 today so, a lb down. I cannot complain about a loss no matter how insignificant & 1 lb is significant to me.

Today

is a crazy day! Yesterday I weighed 155 and today I woke up and weighed 149.2! How can you lose 5.2 lbs in 1 day? Water weight, I guess. I am not complaining at all! I have eaten good yesterday & today, yay for me! 937 cal's & 26 carbs today

This may not seem

like the ideal day to start back on track but, any day is as good as any other right? And, there is no time like the present. So, here I am back with a vengeance! I am mad at myself and that fuels me! I do not hate my complete self, just the part that tries to take over and control me. When I am in control of myself & it, then I am happy. By the way, I am 155 today... very sad.

Don't Really

want to go into the last 3 days but, tomorrow is a new day! Thank goodness! I have a friend that I plan to see in roughly a week. I want to lose as much weight as I can in a week. I will probably want to cry on the scale tomorrow, especially because I just started tonight.

Having A Crisis

Because I am scared that I am not worried that I weigh 153 today! It sucks but, it is not bothering me as much as I think it should. The fact that it is not more of a crisis, is a huge concern for me. What is the problem? Where has my motivation gone? Where is my Mojo?

Good or Bad news first?

Bad new is, I have been eating like a freak for 2 days, I am up to 150, probably more in the morning & I am fat!!! The good news? Oh, I forgot, there is no good news.

Have to Say

that I did it today (well, it is technically now Tuesday) Monday = 3.3 carbs & 963 calories! I am so happy with that today. On top of that? I had no alcohol today... I wanted it but I refrained. I am back baby!!!

Today - Bellies

1:07

And still going strong. I am not drinking today!!! I really want to right now but, I am not. Lately it has been making me too weak to resist my food urges.

Great so far this morning!

One cup of coffee, but it's only almost 11 am.

This morning...

I am 152.0 - I have no excuses, I have been careless and a little depressed and that equals food in disgusting amounts. Today, I am back to my happiness of low-carb/low-cal life because I can tell you right now, food doesn't make me happy when I am eating it & I am not happy now.

Epic Fail

That is all I can post for now... That is how disgusted with myself I am!!!

How did I do this?

Ate all that I did yesterday and only gain 1 lb? I am amazed right now! I am going to take this as a sign to get my ass in gear and go with it!!! I have to do this! Okay, sometimes I need to spell out my goals to make them more real. I am 148 right now, I have been as low as 132... Now, I want to be 128, so I have to lose 20 lbs! If I would have not been such a DA, I would have only had to lose 6, but I am, so I do. But, this is totally ok... I can do this. Low Carb all the way!!! 1st thing, coffee this morning.

My husband

is a sabotage today... Although I did tell him that I had already eaten badly today. He bought me a SPARKS which, I love but has like 40 carbs and 300 cal's. Ok, so tomorrow I am going to get up and be brand new back to my old awesome obsessive dieting self. I miss me! This fat person staring back is not her, who are you oh lard one? Get out of my peripheral. Get outta my mirror and my face!

Binging & Spiraling

Spiraling & Binging. That has been my cycle today. I am headed downward, it is not good. I have to get my focus back! Here boy, where are you? Focus, come here!!! I have lost my way and need to find it again! I am a low-carb person and I lost over 50 lbs doing that, and today I am thinking I can just eat normal, or worse than normal? What am I thinking? Was 147 this morning and I am really scared about tomorrow.

A bit

surprised this morning, weighed and was 147 and not 150 like I was preparing for.

I know

I am going to be fatter tomorrow because it is 1 am and I am drinking a beer and was not strict today. I really want to change my recently developed bad habits. I was 152 yesterday & 148 today... Spiraling.... Feel like I need to get a life, quit drinking & start running!

8 lbs down from Monday to Friday

not too shabby, I would say. I was hoping to at least be down 1 more lb today as I hate weighing the same 2 days in a row but, that's ok. I am at the weekend though & this is my hardest time to binge +++. I hope I can be strong! 142 today

Well

Looks like my restricting is really paying off. Down to 144 this morning, I was hoping for 143, but fatties can't be choosers. Only 15 more lbs until my next awesome goal!

Kelly Carlson (I love her, she is 35 next month)

Sooooo

I ate super-great yesterday! About 650 calories & 5.2 carbs. So proud of myself but, it is only the beginning! I have a long ways to go!!! Because as I mentioned before... My new goal is 128. I was at 147 this morning so, that makes me 19 lbs away. That is not really a lot or unattainable but, harder to accomplish as I get lower.

My Problem?

You ask? Binging & Alcohol! Once I start binging, then I also start drinking more. That is a lot of very empty calories! Where has it gotten me? 150 lbs, that's what! I am ashamed to even admit it but, it helps me be more accountable. So, thank you.w

Don't really

want to discuss last weekend, epic fail...again! What is my problem? I lost over 50 lbs and now all of a sudden I can't control myself? B.S! I own this body & it obeys me!!! 148 this morning.

Quick

stop in for today. I have been eating great, and was 142 this morning. Getting closer to my 135! I can do it!!!

What is the verdict?

I ate super-duper-good yesterday and today I am 147. Better than 150 right? Well, that is the thinking that gets me thru the day anyways.

I know some are turned off by

Bodybuilding but, there is something about it that I love. Maybe it's that they are different, maybe it's that they get off their asses and work hard for what they want! I do not like it when they straight up look like a man but, I do love muscles with that feminine quality.

Just came across

Not sure why I like...

This is Sexy... To me

Yeah Baby!

Yes

I am here again, thank you for asking. Where you ask? Oh, only spiraling downward into an abyss of deep dark hatred and fat. Obese/Abyss hmmmmmmm. Ate terrible for the last 4 days and I really cannot tell you why or myself why. I just know that I feel outta control with eating and drinking. I know we are already 10 days into 2011 but I do have a resolution of a healthier me. Not so much to drink and much better foods. I need to do this for MY happiness and also the health and happiness of my family because when mama ain't happy, no one else seems to be, lol. I really, really want to become more of a runner, and I am not really sure what is holding me back except myself and laziness.
Well, I am going to be accountable by telling you that I am back up to 150.0 on the dot. I mean, I know that I can do it, that is not the problem. But, it pisses me off that I have to re-lose and I lose motivation, not lbs. Ugh

I have a hard time

with most thinspo, because all the girls are 14+. They look great but my body is not the same in my 30's as it was in my teens (thank goodness) I love my body more now and it feels so much sexier now. So, I find thinspo in Cameron Diaz etc.

This is what I have to do

Something I like about this one.

Another Random (www.photobucket.com)

Thought We needed some pics! Annalynne

I ate

Amazingly good yesterday! Around 900 cal's and 2 carbs. And what is the verdict this morning? Down to 144. Happy? Well, happy I am not in the 150's! I will be very happy when I am 10 lbs lighter than this but, it's a start. Ugh, 4 days into the new year and I still have not exercised!

Looked At

some races but, have made no commitment to one yet. I did find some trails to train on near my home though, that was cool. I have eaten really great today, proud of myself especially after stuffing myself for over a week. Tonight or tomorrow back in the 140's! No, I am not excited about that but, have to be happier over that than being even bigger into the 150's right? So, I am thinking I want to be at my goal weight by Jan 29th. The reason is, I want to have a family photo taken. I have been married almost 13 years and my son will be 3 and we have never had a family photo as of yet. Not just me and my hubby and not the three of us. I think it is time.

I don't even want to

go into what I have been doing for more than a week. Eating and eating and eating, oh and drinking. My sister whom I had not seen in 9 years came to visit. It was a great visit and I met her new hubby and we went out to eat a lot! I thought, oh I will just get it all back off when they leave which was last Thursday evening. I ate excellent on Friday and lost 2 lbs. Then my hubby made waffles Saturday morning and it was all downhill from there. Candy, drinks, crackers, cheese. Then Sunday we went to lunch with friends and I just kept on-a-eatin'. And what did I weigh this morning? A whopping 151!!! Ugh, how sick is that? I can go from 137 to 151 in a little over a week! Well, it is a new year! I am on a new venture to of course now lose the weight once again and now to get toned! I know that if I can lose over 50 lbs that I can get what I have left-over into shape! My newest goal is 125-128 and to get toned!!! I really want to train for a 5k! I have been saying that forever! When am I just going to do it??? I will look into it today and letcha know.