Oh yeah

Another day in paradise, no way. I am slowly but surely creeping up like I always do! I am up from 135 to 161, as of this morning! Yes, I am mad at myself and hate myself but, I am more fueled today than usual! I have to right this wrong! I have to fight this battle, so I can win this war! I have to be the strong, kick-ass person that I know I am!!! I will do this again!!!

I am

a truly disgusting individual. I was 160 yesterday, I am not even sure what I am at 4:00 am right now. I am bloated, fat and feel like there is no hope. I know there is, I know my body will lose this weight if I just quit abusing it! For some reason I am out of control with eating and drinking. I hate myself right now. Maybe this self-loathing can fuel my desires. I have not figured out how yet.

Have to

keep doing my low carb routine! I went completely off this weekend & the scale shows a 7 lb gain! 7 lbs, can you believe that? I am sure much of it is water weight & I am close to my period but, dang still not what you want to see on the scale. I am still determined to stick to my goals besides becoming self-defeating. "You may have to fight a battle more than once before you win it" I keep this in my head to remind myself to "NEVER GIVE UP"

Been

sucking this weekend! Flat out, I am sick of dieting right now. Not sure how to fix or make it better. I also do not want to gain weight back, what do I do?

I was soooo confused

yesterday, I want so much to be skinny! So, so very much & I have been working on it all week! Then yesterday I totally binge after a great morning of eating good. Then I decided to have a drink. Then that made me really hungry (as I am close to my period) Then I started baking my kiddo some cookies and I was deciding in my head that this is what I should be, not worrying about my weight & baking my kid cookies & making dinner that we eat at the table every night. I can't do it all!!! So I ate and drank and ate and drank some more. Ended up eating pizza for dinner & I felt horrible and wanted to puke! Today it shows I have gained 4 lbs, ugh!!! I am such and idiot loser! But, I am not stopping nor giving up. I am going to get right back on, stick with what I know best(low-carb) and keep fighting the good fight. Of course that was after I ate 2 cookies & some grapes. But, it is morning... all is not lost. I will eat light the rest of the day!

I did

eat really good today. I have to say, not as good as the last two days but, that was on purpose. Today, I ate 1100 cal's and 16 carbs. That was to intentionally bump up my metabo so when I do go low the next few days my body will not feel like it is starving & I have to change things up for my own personal sanity. I almost just ate a minute ago & it is 8:06 pm, well I do not eat after 6:30. But, I did not do it! I had some green tea instead. I looked ate my fave thinspo http://thinspiration-pictures.blogspot.com and moved on. I hope I can do this everyday because I know I am pms-ing right now. But, the night is not done, but I think I am over my weak point. I actually took out my low-carb lasagna (which is normally a good thing in my open hours of eating) had the lid off & the fork in my hand and I said NO! I am so proud right now. I mean, it's just food and it will be there tomorrow, right?

My husband

is a sabotage today... Although I did tell him that I had already eaten badly today. He bought me a SPARKS which, I love but has like 40 carbs and 300 cal's. Ok, so tomorrow I am going to get up and be brand new back to my old awesome obsessive dieting self. I miss me! This fat person staring back is not her, who are you oh lard one? Get out of my peripheral. Get outta my mirror and my face!

Binging & Spiraling

Spiraling & Binging. That has been my cycle today. I am headed downward, it is not good. I have to get my focus back! Here boy, where are you? Focus, come here!!! I have lost my way and need to find it again! I am a low-carb person and I lost over 50 lbs doing that, and today I am thinking I can just eat normal, or worse than normal? What am I thinking? Was 147 this morning and I am really scared about tomorrow.

8 lbs down from Monday to Friday

not too shabby, I would say. I was hoping to at least be down 1 more lb today as I hate weighing the same 2 days in a row but, that's ok. I am at the weekend though & this is my hardest time to binge +++. I hope I can be strong! 142 today

My Problem?

You ask? Binging & Alcohol! Once I start binging, then I also start drinking more. That is a lot of very empty calories! Where has it gotten me? 150 lbs, that's what! I am ashamed to even admit it but, it helps me be more accountable. So, thank you.w

Don't really

want to discuss last weekend, epic fail...again! What is my problem? I lost over 50 lbs and now all of a sudden I can't control myself? B.S! I own this body & it obeys me!!! 148 this morning.

Yes

I am here again, thank you for asking. Where you ask? Oh, only spiraling downward into an abyss of deep dark hatred and fat. Obese/Abyss hmmmmmmm. Ate terrible for the last 4 days and I really cannot tell you why or myself why. I just know that I feel outta control with eating and drinking. I know we are already 10 days into 2011 but I do have a resolution of a healthier me. Not so much to drink and much better foods. I need to do this for MY happiness and also the health and happiness of my family because when mama ain't happy, no one else seems to be, lol. I really, really want to become more of a runner, and I am not really sure what is holding me back except myself and laziness.
Well, I am going to be accountable by telling you that I am back up to 150.0 on the dot. I mean, I know that I can do it, that is not the problem. But, it pisses me off that I have to re-lose and I lose motivation, not lbs. Ugh

I have a hard time

with most thinspo, because all the girls are 14+. They look great but my body is not the same in my 30's as it was in my teens (thank goodness) I love my body more now and it feels so much sexier now. So, I find thinspo in Cameron Diaz etc.

I ate

Amazingly good yesterday! Around 900 cal's and 2 carbs. And what is the verdict this morning? Down to 144. Happy? Well, happy I am not in the 150's! I will be very happy when I am 10 lbs lighter than this but, it's a start. Ugh, 4 days into the new year and I still have not exercised!

I don't even want to

go into what I have been doing for more than a week. Eating and eating and eating, oh and drinking. My sister whom I had not seen in 9 years came to visit. It was a great visit and I met her new hubby and we went out to eat a lot! I thought, oh I will just get it all back off when they leave which was last Thursday evening. I ate excellent on Friday and lost 2 lbs. Then my hubby made waffles Saturday morning and it was all downhill from there. Candy, drinks, crackers, cheese. Then Sunday we went to lunch with friends and I just kept on-a-eatin'. And what did I weigh this morning? A whopping 151!!! Ugh, how sick is that? I can go from 137 to 151 in a little over a week! Well, it is a new year! I am on a new venture to of course now lose the weight once again and now to get toned! I know that if I can lose over 50 lbs that I can get what I have left-over into shape! My newest goal is 125-128 and to get toned!!! I really want to train for a 5k! I have been saying that forever! When am I just going to do it??? I will look into it today and letcha know.

Really Wish

that I had a friend that could relate to me & vise versa on subjects of weight loss & family. Another mom who wants to be a "hot mom" someone her husband/boyfriend and kid can be really proud of.

Today

I have to figure out at least a week of exercise for myself and how I am going to incorporate that in. I want to train for a 5k, and use my equipment at home. I am starting Jan 1st (cliche, cliche) but I am pretty dang good at sticking to things now so I am not worried about blowing it. Maybe I will start out with treadmill in morning before anyone is up, and Jillian Michael's 30 day shred. Yeah, that sounds like a plan! That actually takes care of 30 days and whatever else I want to add in there during the month. Summer, bikini, here I come!!!

Surprised!

About my weight today. I basically woke up thinking that I was going to weigh 153/154 because I drank some alcoholic egg nog last night, cookie dough ice cream, cookie dough, chips & sour cream and half a tamale. I feel huge this morning, and I am... but not as bad as I thought -148-. I can deal with 148 a lot better than 154! Only 10 lbs and I will be back in the 130's. Having family pictures taken at the end of the month, so I want to be skinny. I will be skinnier -128-

Can't Remember

the date of my last entry... but, I know it has been at least a couple weeks. So, last Friday I weighed 138 and after a week of my sister visiting and nonstop eating out and late nights with some alcohol today I weigh a disturbing 151!!! And I did not eat well today either. That is all I have to say about that, makes me wanna cry right now. I mean, I know I cna deal and get the weight off no problem but, it is frustrating when you feel like you are back to square one.

Whiskey & Diet

My Drink of choice at home. It is 111 w/2 shots & no carbs. My other go-to is Michelob Ultra 95 Cal's & 2.6 carbs. BTW, I use Diet Pepsi & McCormick Whiskey. If I were to shoot Whiskey it would be Jack or Makers Mark